The Best Van Meals- #9- How To Make The Perfect Bacon Sandwich

What the Hovis? Another sandwich? Man, this guy must really suck at cooking.


And the first time I tried to make this sandwich it nearly ended in a firey disaster. I really do suck at this.

We hadn’t eaten before the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona because we thought the odds were high of us shitting ourselves and that would be a waste of precious supplies so after that ordeal was over Bani and I met back at the van for a tasty breakfast saarn. For Bani, running through medieval streets into an old arena surrounded by fighting bulls was enough to leave him suitably hungry. For me, being removed by a police officer was enough for me to need a bacon sandwich to cheer myself up.

A bacon sandwich is a simple delight that treats the taste buds and refreshes the smell of a van. It is there for when you ran with bulls, and for when you didn’t. As Bani sat outside the van in the next parking space along contemplating the thrill and checking his pants, I started cooking in the van for the first time. Ever. I had eaten in it in the school car park and had snacks inside after nights out, but this was to be the first time using the cooker. It was just frying, but in a different place, what could possibly go wrong?

I gave the ignition button a prod, turned the gas and watched the flames flicker into life. Placing the flat griddle atop the hob it slowly grew warm, as camping cookers slowly do. The bacon was flung on to a satisfying sizzle and as they cooked the hunger inducing aroma of bacon replaced that of dirty socks. And then the lesser drool- encouraging odour of melting plastic swept into my nostrils, which was naturally concerning. As well as resting on the hob, the griddle also happened to be resting on the ignition button which was now energetically melting under the heat. Oops. Using the tea towel to move the griddle proved to be an idiotic idea as it quickly adopted the flames from the hob and set ablaze in an Olympic torch like manner. This got flung out the door, towards the bewildered Bani who glanced at it calmly, then at me, then proceeded to sit on his camping chair to admire the cemetery car park we were staying in.

After some stamping the fire was out and the bacon was perfect. And that is how you make a bacon sandwich if you want to add some excitement to your cooking. Also add sauce.

Ever since, whenever I need to cook, now that the ignition button was roasted to uselessness, I need to use a timely combination of a lighter and turning on the gas, which sometimes works, and sometimes threatens to erase eyebrows and blow up vans.

So there you have it, the perfect way to make a bacon sandwich.

Ingredients (This again???)

  • Bread
  • Butter
  • A sauce of your choosing
  • Bacon
  • An ignition button you don’t mind ruining for ever
  • A tea towel that you will never need again
  • Shoes

Method (I wouldn’t recommend following)

  • Warm the griddle on a medium flame, or whatever flame shoots from your hob.
  • Be sure to put it on top of something meltable as well.
  • Add bacon
  • Start buttering some bread
  • Get distracted by fire made destruction
  • Help things by lighting up a tea towel
  • Jump on firey towel to put it out
  • Hope that the bacon isn’t burnt
  • Add bacon to bread
  • Buy a lighter for future ignition purposes
  • Enjoy!
This used to be handy but now all that is left is a spring and a high chance that I will burn myself

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